2/29/06

I am so committed to moving forward in my life, in so many ways. I want a new life. I want to be able to know what God want's of me and to really do that. This is my goal for my Christian experience.

Pray

Recently I was reading that we need to pray specifically for what we want God to do. What do I want God to do? I want him to put a fire for him in my life. That is my prayer.

2/28/06

2/28/06

I am wanting to stay more focused. My time with God has gotten sloppy and it shows in my experience. I realize too that my interest is not good. I am wiling to "put in time" in devotions but really not be there from my love for God; but rather because it is the "right thing to do".

I hope this coming year is a much better one and I stay focused. I want an experience that burns like a fire.

Putting it Together

Like many people I received a gift which needed to be assembled. But I looked at the item and thought, "Oh that is easy enough." I slapped pieces together and tried to operate my gift. It ran slowly and I was frustrated. "What's wrong with this thing- what a piece of junk!" I fumed at the way it operated.

But my mom said she had one which ran great; so I called her.

"Oh, mine never does that...."

Again I found myself struggling. I pulled out the directions and felt sure everything was just fine, then I noticed that I had put one part in upside down. I fixed the problem and now my machine is working like my mother's.

I am reminded of many times of my Christian experience. I may listen to a sermon, take counself of a friend but never open the bible;fuming that things are so difficult in my life. Finally when I have things so screwed up, and I sit down to take time to read God's word, pray and really listen to God; everything works great.

Searching.

Christmas was a disappointment to us. Neither of our children were able to be with us. Our daughter was snowed out and our son too sick to visit. So I ended the day depressed.

Recently I was reading a commentary about the birth of Christ. Somehow those which should have been aware of Jesus coming were not there.

Don't you think God was disappointed when he came, and even herald his coming with angels singing yet the world did not even know his son had been born. What kind of disappointment did God suffer when he realized few people cared that he had just put his son on the earth.

Soon Jesus is coming again. May we be like the wise men- searching and ready.

Spiritually Dead

Lately I have been feeling very spiritually dead, but as I sit here I remember Daniel. For days he prayed and seemed to get no results. Finally an angel appeared and told him that he had heard Daniel's prayer and had started coming to Daniel from the very first prayer.

So, I will continue to pray and believe that God is in control.

12/23/06

12/23/06

I have been really struggling with my Christian experience these last several days. I feel frustrated, and alone. I question my whole experience. But, I openly admit my time with God has gone down the tube lately.

12/22/06

12/22/06

Today I woke up angry at God. Why? Well, it seems as if he is way out there somewhere and not listening. I feel so far from him and wonder if he really cares. But, as I think honestly; I have been cutting corners with God. In the middle of my running to get ready for the holidays I have forgotten to be with him.

Feeling Ugly and Mean

Christmas is just around the corner and I am so darn tired. Ever since Thanksgiving I have been running, running, running.... Now as Christmas is nearly here I am feeling ugly and mean. Is this the way Christmas is supposed to be? Of course not. Somehow I have allowed myself to spin out of control.

A little baby came to give peace and joy to the world, but I have made this a whirl wind of confusion. I need to get focused on the importance of life- my relationship with God.

Circle of Life

Recently I held my grand daughter's. They looked so sweet and gentle. As I was holding them I thought of my dad. His health is going down fast. Each Christmas I think will be his last. It is painful to see him there.

But, I am thankful to God that he has made a circle for man kind. While one person leaves life another enters. What a wonderful plan. We have joy when sorrow could be all we have. When my dad does die, it will be a terrible sadness. But, in mercy God makes a circle around us of life.

12/21/06

12/21/06

I regret that is seems that I will have another day of slipping God in. Somehow I have not managed my time in the way I should. Jesus becomes sqeezed between my life. A friendship which develops into being sqeezed in- is not healthy.

I reget this.

12/20/06

12/20/06

My experience with God borders on dull. I am sleeping while awake. I want an experience that is alive, burning and filled with faith. It is not. Some how things have drifted into a mediocre state of affairs. I want it differently but the truth is I am the luke warm Christian Jesus spits out of his mouth. My hope is for a difference. I want to change. I want to be alive in Christ.

Where did I fall off the wagon? I don't know. But I am here now and will continue to seek the God of my childhood. The God I loved so much, trusted and believed was a god of power. Jesus is that God. I still believe and still am a follower. Lead on Jesus.

As I Blog

As I blog daily, it occurs to me that I need to do something differently. I need really two things going on. Daily, I try to honestly share in life what is happening in my life and lessons about God it teaches me. But, I need to do something differently now. Christians need to be "real". Pretty words, and fast sayings too often pepper the Christian's vocabulary. "Let God Let God!" Nice but how many of us really do that. "Where God shuts a door; he opens a window." True, but then why do we worry so much.

I want to be a true, honest Christian. I use sayings too- often they do help me. But, there are other times when my sayings seem hollow and my experience strains too. Sometimes God seems very real to me; sometimes not. In an effort to be "real", I am going to start posting two posts. My daily journey, but also an on line journal of my inner spiritual condition. This will be both painful and evasive to me; but my goal is to share the journey. Christians have real struggles, real challenges and a real God up to those challenges.

So, I will be posting two posts: one post will be what lessons I am learning, and one will be my spiritual struggle. My daily lessons will be posted as Linda and my journey as Esther.

Looking at Jesus

I admire so much people which can set a goal and go for it. I have a friend which is struggling with the addiction of drinking. Many times I have heard her frantically working to not have a drink. Soon she will be at two years sober. Her focus and determination always amaze me. I am so proud of her. Me, on the other hand- I am trying to change my life style to include exercise and eating correctly. I have lost six pounds in six months. That is not impressive; because I flounder around. I start then look some other direction and forget and don't do what I need.

As a Christian, I want to stop looking in other directions. I need to focus on my relationship-no looking to the left or to the right. Just focusing on getting the job done of stay following Jesus. No side trips. I want a relationship that burns with love and power. Pray for me.

Strange Days

Today was one of those strange days. First I went to an appointment and was told off-later to have the person admit that she was in the wrong. Then I spun my car out. Wasted my time shopping and getting things I now know I really need to return.

What's my point? Well, though I could feel angry at the clerk, and upset with myself for wasting time doing circles in my shopping; instead I also can relax. I have a choice. I chose to believe God is in control. The angry clerk- well it felt good that I was in control instead of being angry. Spinning my car out, well I did not wreck. Wasting my time; well, tomorrow I can catch up.

To be able to end the day forgiving others and myself; is a matter of growth for me. I believe it is a gift from God.

So Many Things Moved

My house is a wreck. My grand daughter spent over a week here. She has so many things moved and placed in places I am still finding. But, I don't mind do the cleaning; because everything I move or pick up; it reminds me of her. Yes, I am tired; but the joy of her little life just makes my heart smile. I love her so much, and though she was lots of work- I would do it again in a moment. I think that is the same joy God has for us, his children.

Things Left Behind

My grand daughter just left and I feel lonely. I find lots of things she has changed. We have hand prints here and there; we have found items from when she was here. And as I go around my house cleaning...it makes me think. When I leave a bad habit; something that is making me less of a Christian, bits and pieces of those behaviors may still be around. But, that is when I can give my self to Jesus.

I can ask him to pick up my messes, and teach me a better way. I imagine that is what Jesus wants to do. Help me grow, and smile that I spent time with him.

God Not Near?

Right now I do not "feel close to God". Does that mean God is not near? Of course not, it simply means I am in one of those places where you feel like God is gone.

This is when faith needs to do the work. By faith, we go forward; trusting that even though those feelings are not there; God is.

No Where With God

My little grand daughter is visiting. She is a toddler and I seem to always be running. The thing is that I am running in circles. I pick up her toys, she throws them down. I give her food; she drops it on the floor. I mop the floor, she spills her drink. I am so tired, and I feel like this is going no where.

But, amid my picking up; her dropping, we are building a relationship. One day, my grand daughter will be the product of my work. She will have memories of a grand mother that cared for her. She will remember the trips to places, the foods and sounds of Grandma's house.

Sometimes it may seem we are going no where with God. Maybe we feel like nothing is happening. But, if we seek him; he is there. He is building a relationship with us.

Choices

Recently I have been disappointed with some of the choices my children have been making. I know that the things I taught them they are turning their backs on. I can see in the future their lives will be faced with misery and sadness; but they continue to go in the direction of fools. They do not see that those choices make a difference. I keep praying for them; knowing that my prayers will be with them for better or worse. Still seeing them in making these choices hurts me.

I wonder how many times God looks down from heaven and asks the same question. Why are my children making these choices. He gives us his laws because he knows that they will help us have happier lives; but we continue on a path of fools. Today, as I reflect on life I will think about my choices.

Rubber Ball

My grand daughter was with my mother and I shopping. She giggled and grabbed for a soft ball made of rubber. My mother was delighted to buy her the ball and excited to let her great grand daughter play with it.

Inside the car I handed Mckayla the ball. She hugged it to herself and all seemed well. As I was taking down her stroller and putting away the babies things I did not watch her play with her ball. But when I looked up she had bit several places out of the ball and spit them in the car. She looked frustrated and upset. I quickly removed the ball and showed it to my mother.

We both were taken back. Then it hit me. This rubber ball with its bright colors, Mckayla thought was a huge candy ball. She was trying hard to find the candy center, and getting very frustrated.

I think sin is that way. We see it, think it is something we are really going to enjoy; but once inside of sin, we often find it disappointing and frustrating.

God Give Me Patience!

I was standing in a line waiting to return my items when a woman behind me went in front of me and took my place. "I don't have time for this, she fumed."

I looked stunned and then became angry. What kind of person goes in front of another person in line and has no shame! But, I did not move. I kept my place and just waited. I remembered the times I have done stupid and foolish things. Maybe this woman simply was not thinking. Was she really this rude? Did I have all the facts? Maybe in her rush, she did not think of the way she was behaving? And if she really was that rude, I needed compassion for her-not contempt. Because she was making herself look self center, rude and out of control.

I prayed. "God give me the patience I need when I am angry." My turn came and I was standing by the woman as I returned my items;but, again I was faced with a challenge to keep calm. The checker was so slow and seemed to not be focused. I prayed for calm and to remain in control. Too many times in my past I would have been angry, restless and defensive.

Now, I remained in control and patient. This was the result of my faith. God had worked to keep my tongue in control; my thinking clear and my choices on the side of kindness.

Thank you God.

Judging

Recently I was listening to a tape on personalities. This tape was not the standard four type personalities. It was dealing with personality qualities which cause conflict and which help heal. As the speaker went through the types I saw myself clearly in one of the four he mentioned. And then as he went around the wheel I also saw a good friend of mine in another section.

As I listened to the tape I realized that probably many times I offend my friend, it is not because I want to; but because how she will see the world is very different than how I will see it.

I am reminded of the text:

Stop judeging others, and you will not be judged. For others will trea you as you treat them. Whatever you measure you use in judging others, it will be used to measure how you are judged. Matthew 7: 1,2 Message Bible

I think it is good to know that God sees the whole picture, and in the end he will be judging us.

Thank you to my parents--all 3 of them!

Hi everyone; Jazz here--finally! Been a long time since I last posted, but here I come again! I had an experience today which, though negative, inspired gratitude in me, and I'd like to make this particular post a public "THANK YOU" to my mom and my late father, and my dear stepfather, "Papa" who has been a beloved part of our lives for many years now. My mom and dad raised all of us kids to be responsible for our own actions. When we did well, we got the praise; when we screwed up, they didn't take an ounce of blame! And my stepfather is like that too, very much a man of respect and taking responsibility for one's actions. I was talking with someone today who, indeed, does have a hard life--much harder than my own. Some of it, however, is his own fault, and he seems to live to have the whole world feel sorry for him! The worst way to get someone's compassion is to STRIVE for it! I'm so grateful I have a great upbringing, and a great stepfather now even, who encourage and promote responsibility for myself and my problems. Mom and dad, you did great with us! Papa, you're a gem, too, and I learn from you! Thank you to my dear parents for raising me right--all 3 of them! Love Jazz.

I Missed My Time With God

Yesterday I missed my time with God. I wanted to spend time with him, but found myself chasing a toddler; but that is an excuse and not a reason. My reason is I did not really make time for the run. We do what we really have to do. I did eat: I showered, and there were many other things I did. So when it really came down to it, somehow I did not manage my time as well.

I want to be consistant and realize that being with God is a gift. When I spend time with him, always my life will change and for the better. So, today, I hope to be changing for good.

Always Busy

My grand daughter is with me and I am very busy; busy running after toys never picked up, busy with feeding her, busy with laundry....and just busy with a little child. When I look around my house there is a mess everywhere, and things are needing attention. I love it.

Jesus is busy too. Always listening to our childish calls and probably busy watching us as we grow and change. But, I imagine he is just as happy and loves it too.

Come back Jesus.

Today I am going to pick up my grand daughter. It will be a long journey, but we have prepared for it. Bags packed, hotel reservations made and paid for- I dread the drive; but at the end is my grand daughter. So I am excited about the trip.

I am wondering how Jesus feels about coming for us. Does he feel just as excited as I am? I bet he is even more excited. And I am excited also- Come back Jesus, and take us home.

Cheering to Victory

I am trying so hard to lose some weight. I am not doing well, it seems life just gets caught before my eyes and I some how derail myself. This frustrates me and I get angry with myself. "Why don't I stick with this, I beat myself."

I don't think God works that way. He shows us the way and then he is our cheering team, "You can do it, I know you can!" He is our biggest cheer team and he is the one to plan our victory.

My plan will need lots of changing and planning, but it is God that eventually will have to pull me to victory. What a great God to cheer us all the way.

Going Back to School

My friend is going back to college. It has been a long time since she stopped. I don't really know why she stopped but she did, and I felt is was a shame. She is bright, kind and loving; and, she is very talented. So I kept bugging her to go to school. Finally she saw the chance and now she is going for it. Her face shines as she even thinks about it.

I wonder how much God pushes and pulls to get us to do things that are for our own good. We rebel against him and scream the whole way. Once, though we get the picture God has for us- we glow, because we have hope.

I Gave Up Good Reason.

Last night I had a Christmas party in my own house. I think everyone had a good time and they got along well...But I way over ate. I ate pizza. I ate cookies. I drank juice. On and on went my food binge and finally I felt bad. What was I thinking? I don't know. I just know, it was too much and I did not feel good.

I gave up good reason for stupid impulsions behavior. I thought I wanted those things I ate, but in the end they made me miserable.

I believe that is how sin is in our lives. At the time they seem so good- but in the end, we feel miserable.

God gives us laws and rules for our joy, not to punish us. He knows that what we pick will decide how we feel. We serve a loving God that picks us up when we fall- but his law are so we won't fall at all.

Celebrate Joy

I have spent all week decorating my house for Christmas. It is excessive but I do it for several reasons. The first reason is that it makes me feel less depressed. The second reason is that when my house is all fixed up, others enjoy the decorations. I like helping people have joy.

I think that is the way Jesus is, he likes giving us joy. But Satan comes along and tries to steal our joy. He has lots of ways to do that; maybe he brings on fear, or tells us discouraging things.

Thinking about it- we have choices. We can listen to fear or we can rest on God and his arms.

I hope I listen to God, rest in his arms and celebrate joy.