The Mission of Parenting

By Rawly Glass

Most people have heard of Enron. The flavor in our minds isn’t pleasant. It’s bitter and tastes like blatant disregard for the front line employee.

Enron started out selling energy and managing gas pipelines, but lost focus. The executive team’s purpose shifted to protecting the company, safeguarding their image, and making executives rich. They lost focus on their purpose, the front line, where they were going, and what their mission was. In 2001, after six years of being voted most innovative company, Enron was exposed and imploded. It was total disintegration. Much like what has been happening to families today.

Christians blame “the world” for the demise of the family. We say that the influence of television, music, schools, politics, magazines, etc create our parenting problems and problems with our children. But this doesn’t help much.

I propose an alternate explanation. We lack a clear mission. This is the problem. Most of us don’t know why we are doing what we are doing. Further, to make sure I step on everyone’s toes, most of us who were at one time clear about the purpose of parenting have become distracted and our purpose is not the purpose we are called to according to the Bible.

A mission is the underlying purpose for being. The importance of having a parenting mission can’t be over emphasized. It is vital that we understand why we do this thing called parenting.

Purpose defines why we do what we are doing. But it also clarifies what we are doing. If we don't understand our purpose, we can't understand what it is we are really supposed to do.

For example:
· The majority of school systems no longer understand their true purpose. The system tries to make children fit it’s idea of education rather than creating education around the developmental process of children.
· Many churches have lost their true purpose - they are all over the map in what they are doing. Churches blame the secular community for their struggles, rebelliousness, and lack of attendance rather than focusing on the Good News that can create a powerful, irresistible, positive draw to God.
· When businesses like Enron lose focus on their purpose many hard working, devoted people are hurt and suffer unnecessarily.
· Governmental agencies that loose focus become powerful oppressors of the very people they exist to protect and support.

Any organization - be it government, private, family, business, spiritual or secular - that does not first understand it’s purpose and mission will inevitably end up distracted and off course. It is guaranteed to miss the mark. We all pay the price.

Therefore, as parents, we must first understand our mission. Our purpose is the measurement we use to determine success. It is impossible to understand how successful we are unless we know what our purpose is and where we are going. Let’s look at this in the context of obedience.

More than obedient children
I believe most parents will say that the mission of parenting is: “training children to be good and obedient, and to honor God and their parents.” They may add, to live long “productive” lives, which is based on being obedient children. (besides…the 10 commandments tell us so in Exodus 20:12).

But, if we are to be successful as parents, we must understand that parenting is not about raising obedient, respectful, or honorable children. Even though this has value, it is not the primary mission of parenting. The true purpose of parenting is much bigger. A behavior focus to parenting will always lead us into deep trouble. We may end up with compliant children, but in 99% of the cases, this makes them easy prey for a secular world where everyone is telling them what to do. When obedience is the primary purpose we actually predispose our children to legalism, conditional acceptance, judgment, criticism, and control by the larger media and community.

When obedience is our primary mission, we will determine our success or failure based on the obedience of the children. If the child is compliant, obedient, honoring, then we feel good about our parenting. When we see obedient children, we think, “their parents must be wonderful parents.” But this is not necessarily true.

Obedience is a side benefit, not the actual goal. Children raised by parents that operate from a Biblically based mission will end up with obedient children that honor them and God, but this is not the primary focus of parenting activity.

Having obedience as our mission leads us to teach our children to be controlled by external forces rather than from within. We teach them to comply with external demands. They don’t learn the skills necessary to make their own decisions, be focused on a task, and have goals that they embrace and pursue. They are subject to the strongest external force around them. It may be peers, TV and media, a boss, girlfriend/boyfriend, spouse, neighbor, or any number of powerful influences that blast their message. Some people do actually mature through this process and reach a state of self-directness, but by far most do not.
Parenting driven by the mission outlined in the Bible results in children who are powerfully self-directed. The self is God-oriented. These children are powerful positive influences. They create their powerful environment rather than being created by the world inflences. When raised by parents with a clear Biblically defined mission, children will automatically honor and respect authority. But using this as a measure of “good” or “bad” children or “good” or “bad” parenting creates short-term external symptoms. This breeds what we call “image management” or “look good” addictions.

Parenting driven by obedience too often creates “rebellious children.” When this happens these same parents point the finger of shame and condemnation at their children. Rebellion is more a result of control-oriented parenting than “bad” children. It has more to do with the punishment philosophy promoted by some self proclaimed Bible experts than with children who are lost or evil by nature. This control-oriented parenting and punishment philosophy is usually called “discipline,” but when we look at what is actually happening it is clearly punishment.

Enron’s mission was to provide energy to the nation, but it ended up draining energy out of the culture. This is what we do as parents when we make obedience our focus. Instead of building powerful self-directed children we create people without direction that are easily controlled by a dominate culture.

Conclusion
A person, a family, or an organization without a purpose flounders. Results are many and varied, but none good. An unethical, immoral, or downright evil purpose wreaks immeasurable havoc and sorrow in the world. So, it is not enough to have a purpose. Our purpose must have value and be honorable.

Mission is first. Purpose is primary. Knowing what parenting is all about must be our first work as parents. The Bible is very helpful in this arena. It clearly defines the purpose of parenting. Our purpose directly defines what we are to do as parents and how we deal with and respond to our children.

Next month I’ll share the meat of the mission from my study of Scripture. I believe you will be excited.

Rawly Glass writes from Medford, Oregon. rglass@relationshipsfirst.net