Closed And Opened Doors

By Jessica Kennedy

"When one door closes, another opens. But we often look so regretfully upon the closed door that we don't see the one that has opened for us." Alexander Graham Bell

In 1998, I suffered a brainstem stroke and became a ventilator dependent quadriplegic. I was paralyzed emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. I thought I was worthless and that was what I became. I created a person consumed by thoughts of what I could no longer do. I lacked faith. I believed I was no longer a "real person.” I thought God deserted me. In the poem “Footprints” Mary Stevenson wrote: “I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me?" That was how I felt. The door to my past and future slammed shut.

Bored with the self-involved person I became, I reached out to Connie Lopez. A belief that God allowed this to happen kept me from seeking Him directly. I found Him through her.

Connie had a disease called Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS). In ALS nerve cells that control muscle cells are gradually lost. Little by little the person loses strength in his limbs, becomes paralyzed and dies.

Before I met Connie, I thought no one's life was as horrible as my own. Why did God let bad things happen to me? I was a good person. My thoughts revolved around what I lost. The things I was able to do changed, but I existed. Yet, exist was all I did.

When the door opened to Connie's room, I rolled through it and found Christ’s love, worth and hope. Connie was completely paralyzed. Evidence of depression over her situation was absent from her manner. With her love of Christ exerting a positive influence, I found my smile. Everyone says Connie had a beautiful smile. Connie was unable to smile with her mouth, but a smile resided in her eyes and it was beautiful.

In order to communicate, someone would hold up an alphabet chart and point to each letter. To say, hi they would point to A, B, C, D, E, F, G, and at H, she blinked. The same process was followed for the letter I. In order for Connie to "say" one sentence often took 5-10 minutes.

Connie enjoyed my visits, because it gave her the opportunity to communicate. For five months after my stroke I used a similar board to express myself. Rather than undertake the process of speech through the use of the board, she and I opted for silence. My experience mirrored hers. She was alone...isolated by her inability to speak out loud, but she exuded a peace.

I purposefully asked questions which required more than a yes or no response. When I was in her situation, I tried to trim my speech. I felt guilty about making others use the board. For hours I would sit and listen to Connie. There was no need for her to feel rushed. She knew she could take her time to express herself fully.

The best gift I was ever given she gave me. At one of my visits she asked for me to look up a Bible verse. The verse was 2 Corinthians 12:9: “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.” If she could believe this, as she lay there dying, then I could, too.

My friendship with Connie showed me that I could live a useful life in spite of my disabilities. If only I opened my heart to God, He would show me His love. “The Lord replied, ‘My son, My precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I Carried You." Mary Stevenson
Connie faced more obstacles with her illness than I did with my disabilities, yet she pulled me out of my depression. She had peace because she accepted the cross He gave her to bear. A woman incapable of audible speech gave me so much letter by letter.

My relationship with Connie taught me I could find a way to move forward and truly live regardless of my circumstances. Today, I do not call myself or think of myself as disabled. I speak at continuing education classes for respiratory therapists. I write articles. My mind no longer stays trained on what I have lost. I praise God for what I have. I need only to believe I have worth, have a faith in God and love for God. I picked myself up and opened the door to my future with a renewed faith in Him.

Jessica Kennedy writes from McKinney, Texas. JessicaKennedy1971@yahoo.com